While simultaneously pursuing pregnancy, we became licensed foster parents through DSS. We pursued foster care with the intent to foster-to-adopt. Why not pursue both and see what lands first? Perhaps we’ll enjoy both. We came to learn, however, that foster-to-adopt is a very tricky process. 

For one, the goal of fostering is to care for the child(ren) until it is safe for them to reunify with their biological family. We went into foster care with the mindset of adoption and were terribly disappointed. Our job as foster parents is to act as temporary guardians for the child and as mentors for the family. It’s difficult to support the family if you’re trying to BE the family.

Two, ALL of our fosters’ court cases are delayed. Parents might be unresponsive (but rights are not yet terminated). Lawyers can’t settle on the logistics. Court dates are moved. It’s a mess. Not to mention, even if the biological parents turn out to be unfit for the role, DSS/CPS is still required to reach out to every blood relative until they run out of options. Several of our foster parent friends have had their fosters since they were a few days old. The children are now 2, 3, or even 4 years old, and they’re still not adopted.

Optimistically, YES! Some of our friends WERE able to adopt their children from foster care. In short, most “foster-to-adopt” cases are hypothetical, take years, and are not guaranteed. It’s simply a matter of timing, patience, and what you’re willing to tolerate. Sometimes, it works out! While I will always advocate passionately for the foster system (WE NEED MORE FOSTER PARENTS), I also want to educate others about the flood of emotions one will ensure if the mindset is ADOPT.

With that said, we’ve grown tired of being the “for now” family. Yes, we adore our foster children, but our hearts break each time we have to say goodbye to a child. (To those who are wondering, Baby K is still with us!)

In November 2023, we began to pursue surrogacy thanks in part to one of Nicole’s best friends, Kayla. She is a mother of two and excitedly volunteered to be the oven to our bun. This, however, was complicated because the parties were in different states, and the cost of surrogacy was outrageously high. Other volunteers from neighboring states came forward as well, but the fear that surrogacy might fail paired with the cost made surrogacy a non-viable option.

We are not strangers to disappointment, but we’ve resiliently navigated those waters as a family. We became hopeful that adoption would allow us to welcome a child home permanently.